What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
I won my first cage fight last night…
Parrot didn't know what hit it.
I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, “Why?! Is it because I’m small and cute!?”
"No…" I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
I’m a big fan of whiteboards
I find them quite re-markable.
Walls of youth
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son….. 'Go get your Mother'
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work…
We were able to lift his coffin.
My dog has a creepy obsession with trees…
All he ever does is talk about their skin…
I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said “Remove cap and push up bottom”
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes.
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?
Charizard
What is it called when an amputee does karate?
Partial arts
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
One of my dads favorite jokes….
A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in San Antonio." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?" "$101,237.64" "What the hell did you sell?!?" "First I sold him a bag of #8 fish hooks, then I sold him a bag of #1 fish hooks, then I sold him a set of lures. I then sold him a new fishing rod. After I asked where he was going fishing and he told me he was going to the coast, I told him he would be best off with a boat, so I brought him over to the sea craft department and sold him that 24' twin engine Yamaha. He was doubtful that his Silverado could manage it, so I took him down to automotive and got set him up with the 4×4 F350." "A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"
Did you hear about the dwarf that escaped by rappelling from Alcatraz?
I would tell you, but it’s a little condescending.
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.
The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
Being told I was going deaf…
was very difficult to hear.
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off…
She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
Two hunters lost in the woods
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water
I responded "Well, dam"
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
What does a serial killer do when he finds Waldo?
Wears Waldo.
Do you know how to catch a bear?
Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by. When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. As told to me by my Dad at dinner, every single time peas were served. Miss you, Dad.
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…