What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?
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1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!” The priest says: “No son, you’re not.” So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!” Then the priest says: “No son, you’re not.” Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: “Here, I’ll prove it.” He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says: “Jesus Christ, you’re back again?!”
It becomes theiranium.
The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head! But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out! The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms popped out! The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair. By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out. The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over. The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
I’m asking for a friend.
thanks for nothing.
Mexico and Canada.
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
Tommy was born without a body or any limbs, so his entire life he has existed as a head only– he learned to roll around, use his mouth to maneuver things, and live just like a normal kid. One day Tommy rolled into school just like any other day, banged against his locker to open it, started to get his books when, all of a sudden, he spots a new student. Tommy thinks she's absolutely beautiful. Her hair is perfect, her body is amazing (which Tommy slightly envied, but had gotten over those thoughts mostly by now), and she had an amazing sense of fashion. There was just one thing off about this girl though; she only had one eye, and in place of her other eye was a prosthetic eye made of wood. It didn't even look like a real eye, it just looked wooden. Tommy saw her and his jaw dropped to the floor– "What's her name?" He asked a friend. "Oh, her? That's Sally, the girl with a wooden eye." Tommy saw past her wooden eye and was starstruck ever since he first laid eyes on Sally. He made it his mission to ask Sally to prom. Weeks later, Tommy finally gathered the courage to ask his crush the big question. He rolled up to her in the cafeteria and said, "Hey Sally, I'm Tommy. I was wondering if you wanted to go to Prom with me?" Sally looked down at him for a second, and said, " Uhmm.. I'm sorry Tommy.. I don't think so." This devastated Tommy. He had felt all sorts of pain and denial in his life from not having a body. He knew what rejection and denial felt like having been left out of all the activities full bodied people could do. But nothing hurt quite as much as this. His heart was shattered. And then Tommy turned into a grape. So now Tommy is a grape, just rolling around school, and he is depressed like never before. People see Tommy and notice that something is off with him. He's so depressed, that he turned into a grape. Sally sees this and begins to feel really bad. "Was I too harsh?" she asked a friend, " Maybe I should go try to make it up to him." Now Sally made it her mission to ask Tommy to the prom, and hopefully he would return to normal. After school, Sally went by Tommy's house and knocked on the door. Tommy answered, and she was surprised for a second that a grape could answer the door– but nonetheless, she moved forward with her mission. "Tommy, I wanted to ask you something… Would you go to prom with me?" Tommy didn't believe his ears for a second– the most beautiful girl he had ever seen had just asked him to the prom! Without thinking, he replied, "Oh wood eye, wood eye!" Sally was offended and crushed him. The moral of the story: Stop while you're a head.
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright…I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”? The man looked up at her and replied, "That feels pretty good … but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
The bartender says "Hey!" Then the horse replies "Sounds good!"
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
"Supplies!" I'll see myself out
Because it's made of hide
A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." The father asks, "What happened?" "Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'" "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet," the dad replies. The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked. "That's what I said" the boy replies.
The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first.” So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?” The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.”