What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
Gym Jordan Everyone
Republicans in a NUTshell
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
Next Level . Being safe at work
I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens
Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
don’t be meaner to me than me
Fancy some golf?
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
Me wondering why my AI is classifying my cat as a dog
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
It’s git commit either way
Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism
Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3
NULL is still a value den
Billionaires are not your friends
Wife bad, neighbor have better wife
Hahaha all GenZers eat Tide Pods hahaha
Too good to be true
Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks…
Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.
Florida will be the next epicenter…
When your code is terrible but it somehow works.
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
A+ Trolling at the SOTU
What do I hate most about my Rubik’s Cube?
Well, I don't know where to begin.
What do you call a spinning potato?
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Who’s there? Wah. Wah who? Settle down. This isn’t THAT great of a joke.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Forwards from my father. Tbf this one is ok. That nose tho…
What do you call a Communist sniper?
On applying for jobs
A person asked me, “Hey, aren’t you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?”
I chuckled and shook my head, "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city!"
My dad is addicted to ladders
He uses them to get high.
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
Maybe maybe maybe
This pretty much sums it up.
Conservative prayer these days!
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual
Just why. Why why why why why why why…
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.
What type of music do windmills like?
I heard they're big metal fans.
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
When all you want to do is prove your innocence…
It’s a nightmare…
What did the green grape say to the purple grape
Breathe idiot, breathe!
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says to the rabbit, "What can I get ya, sir?" The rabbit says, " I have no idea. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
That’s a great logic
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
Tweets are allowed right
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”