What’s the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?
Oranges have thick skin.
Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water, because the butane is lighter fluid.
Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out
Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind
It really came out of the purple
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
I’d give my left bladder to be better in anatomy class.
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I overheard a man in the changing room
I was in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a phone rings. The guy next to me answers it while he was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I instantly thought, "What a smug bastard!" MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the Metrocentre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£90,000" MAN: "Ok but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000". MAN: "Well, then go ahead but come in at £900,000. They will probably take it but if not, we'll have to do £950,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?"
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbelievable
I really need to get this shit off my chest,
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
What is the strongest and longest rope in the whole world?
It's Europe. So long and also strong that it is binding all the EU countries.
An IRL dad joke
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so – I've been working out!"
Politicians are like sperm
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
Ace your next code interview and flex on your coworkers with this one simple trick!
https://ift.tt/32RuVTD
Right before I die, i’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.
My cremation is going to be epic.
A defribilator almost never fails, when it did…
No One was shocked
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
I read a lengthy article about Japanese sword fighters
It's okay I can Samurais it for you.
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days. I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? " Then it hits me, I can fix this. I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away. As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us ! He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight. The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?" I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave. I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.
2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom
Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Arlene: What the hell is that? Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don't get wet. Arlene: Where'd you get that at? Jane: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road! The next day, Arlene hobbles her way into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (as she is over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand condom she prefers. Arlene exclaims, "Don't matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!" *pharmacist faints*
Give a man a fish, and he won’t see you dump the body in the lake.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the police arrive.
Bob the milkman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the milkman." "What!?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the milkman want to fuck that?"
A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 – “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”
Guy #2 – “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?” Guy #1 – “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
What are a spy’s favorite shoes?
Sneakers
Nobody has ever trusted me with anything before… I think there’s a reason for that…
https://ift.tt/2I5vdhV
(NSFW) A bra, some jumper cables and a battery walk into a bar…
They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round. It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate" Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"
Why is giving blood easy in Taiwan?
Because everyone is Taipei.
A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”
The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.” His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” “In the pool.”
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled…
But it's hard to say…
The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.