What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!!!!
Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our reviews. One star.
Bilbo Baggins woke up suddenly to “Don’t stop believing!”
It was an unexpected Journey.
My mum was a 100M runner and my dad was a marathon runner.
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
When nurses and doctors are having to reuse ppe but fascism is more important
https://ift.tt/2A9kuSX
Two women meets in the afterlife,
-Hello, My name is Mia! -Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die? -Well… I froze to death. -Oh my.. what a terrible way to die! -Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die? -I had a heart attack. I thought that my husband cheating on me, so I left work early to catch him red-handed. Then I saw him just watching television. -What happened after? -I was certain that there was an another woman in the house. So I furiously started to search the whole house. Under the bed, the roof, closets but I couldn't. I was too tired of searching, I just had an heart attack. (Mia starts to laugh) -What's so funny? -Oh dear.. if you checked the fridge we both would be still alive!
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time …
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
When colleague does not have dark mode IDE and asks me to check something on his screen.
https://ift.tt/32HKZbh
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan…
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as……
FLEECE NAVI-DAD Edit: SILVER? Thank you kind redditor!
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
An Irishman walks past a bar.
Just kidding.
I have a friend who really loves to count.
I wonder what he’s up to?
Starts with an F and end with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
Any parent would agree. Made me laugh then I realised how true it was then it made me sad
https://ift.tt/31QHSfY
How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it doesn't screw.
What happens when you crash your fancy new car?
Your Mercedes bends
This was shared on Facebook in an album of different boomer cartoons depicting “phone bad”
https://ift.tt/2QRqBjn
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that thing?"
I found a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home…
Guess she’s homeless.
People are making apocalypse jokes
like there's no tomorrow.
My friend told me she made synonym buns
I asked if they were just like the ones grammar used to make.
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?
They took him into custardy
What did the zero say to the 8?
Nice belt
I went to a beestore to buy bees
The shopkeeper gave me 13 instead of the 12, I requested. When I asked him what the last one was for. He told me it was a freebie.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.” Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?
Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.
My son tried to change the time..
But not on my watch
A man is washing his car with his son.
His son looks at him and says, “Dad…Why can’t you use a sponge?”
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.
https://ift.tt/2MoevNG