Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Who has two thumbs and isn’t afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.
Edit: 1 thumb Edit:0thumbs
So two aliens find their way to earth
They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
I once thanked a French man to death…
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
A 3 year old boy examined his testicles in bath
“Mom” He asked “ Are these my brains” “Not yet” She replied
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
I told my date that a guy like me is hard to find.
She didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize."
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
Why didnt 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2²
Light travels faster than sound
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial Arts
The past present and future got into an argument while camping.
http://bit.ly/2BE6vBp
A man walks into a pub….
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
Why do walruses swim in salt water?
Because if they swam in peppered water they’d sneeze all the time.
What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves?
An Autumnobile
To be frank,
I'd have to change my name
I went swimming today and took a pee in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
"Is it something I said?" "Yes."
People hate the police so much these days…
…that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."
What do you call a good swimming pun?
A stroke of genius
I met a Jewish girl and she wanted my number
I simply told her we use names here