What’s the difference between my husband and Gollum?
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
My penis talked to me once…
Turns out he's a real dick.
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
I always get sad when I crush my drink cans.
It’s soda pressing.
I hired an expert to exorcise my house, but I can’t afford to pay them.
Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.
My wife will not be happy…
While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my car and landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked "Are you okay?" "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up. She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place that is only few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine to confirm that you are not hurt.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come on, I’m a Doctor," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examining me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right?" "Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch."
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash…
He's better off in the long run.
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
The nicest thing you could ever do for someone is define the word “bargain”.
It means a great deal.
Onions make you cry
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
Getting weights delivered to your house is so expensive!
It's best to just pick them up.
What’s the difference between a good joke and
A bad joke timing
A guy finds a Genie in a bottle…
A Genie zooms out of the bottle and shouts "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM MY MYSTICAL CHAMBER! YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES!" The guy says "Ha, Make it four" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE GRANTED! YOU NOW HAVE THREE WISHES LEFT!" The guy stumbles "Oh wow, okay umm, then I wish for 300 wishes!" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE DENIED! YOU MAY ONLY WISH FOR MORE WISHES ONCE! YOU NOW HAVE TWO WISHES LEFT!" The guy asks "Wait, you count it as a wish even if you deny it?" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE ANSWERED! YES, AND ASKING QUESTIONS COUNTS AS WISHES TOO! YOU NOW HAVE ONE WISH LEFT!!" The guy screams "SHIT!!!!" The Genie awkwardly claps his hands, and says "Thanks man, I've been stuck in that bottle for 4000 years" as he runs towards the bathroom
A guy asks a woman “Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?”
She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes." "Well would you do it for five dollars?" "NO! What do you think I am?" "We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
My wife just said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me —-I just sat there.
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went
Then……. it dawned on me
I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS
When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered
It was like music to my arse
Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?
Because spreading misinformation is government's job.
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight..
There would be mass confusion.
I for one like Roman numerals.
No text found
why did the can-crusher quit it’s job?
because it was soda-pressing!
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
What does an elf have for his birthday?
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
If your nose runs and your feet smell
you're built upside down.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
what do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAIIINSSS!!!
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar
But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink. Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?” The place goes dead still. Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know. “Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde. “So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?” “Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”
Blond and bodybuilder
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" … Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "