What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?
North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.
Why are people with foot fetish losers?
Because they like to taste defeat.
Have you ever heard of virtual bubble wrap?
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
A little known fact…
Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
“So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?”
"Both , now get in the van ."
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
I know someone who talks like an owl
No text found
What type of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.
The roof is not my child
But I will raise it.
What’s Neil Armstrong’s name backwards?
Gnorts Mr Alien 👽 (Illuminati theme song playin')
13% 18-29 voter turnout in California. Vote for your future. BTW not American. (OC)
https://ift.tt/3coY4eO
I adopted a goat for my son called Roxanne.
"I wish you'd called me something else," he often says.
What do Asian cannibals eat?
Raw men
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
My neighbors cows were stolen last night
He beefed up his security
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring…
I recently found out the medical name for Viagra
Mycoxaflopin
My friend tried to convince me “whey” is spelled “whfey”
There's no f in whey
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
To see a chicken strip.
Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*
Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training."
A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant
Like my name, phone number, address…
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code.
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wants to go so they all have to leave.
My toddler just dad joked me.
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand." I've never been more proud.
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say “mucho”.
It means a lot to me.
