What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
knock knock
who's there? The electrician to fix your doorbell
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
What was Matthew McConaughey’s least favourite part of Interstellar?
When the girl gets older, and he stays the same age.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Magician: “For this trick I’m gonna dissapear”
Magician: Looking at pear “You’re ugly!”
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll.
I walked into a bookstore and asked an employee “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?”
Employee: Of course sir. Which one? Me: William.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic….
Eaten alive by a giant ass crab
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,
we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
God made a pie and called it Earth.
He needed to cool the crust, so he put it on the mantle.
I‘ve been trying to open the bra of my girlfriend for 20 minutes now…
I wish I had never put it on.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, …
… arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?" The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "…plus a constant."
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
I just took off my backpack after my very last college final.
Boy, was that a weight off my shoulders. Edit: I actually am finally about to graduate, so I’m happy even if you don’t like my joke!
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,
and I don’t try to run mine.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Called my friend.
I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you." Friend: "Ok shoot" Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?" Friend: "I dunno what?" Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up? Friend: I dunno what? Click
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.
I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse
but she was just pulling my leg.
BECOMING IRISH
Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school.. "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mick." Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick." "Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mick?" she asked. "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.