What’s the difference between Spanish and Dad Jokes?
In Spanish, you roll your R’s and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
If you upload 1000 pictures on Instagram..
.. is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?
A man is washing his car with his son. The son says…
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon
Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo…
They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?" The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie." The son replies, "No, mom. I know what the trunk is. What's THAT thing hanging under the elephant?" He points directly to the bull elephant's now engorged member. The mother looks, blushes, and quickly says, "Oh! Um…that's nothing, sweetie." Frustrated, the son tugs on dad's shirt and asks, "Dad, what's that thing hanging underneath the elephant? I know it's not the trunk." The dad looks and calmly says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." The son asks, "When I asked mom, she said it was nothing." The dad smiles and says, "Son, I've SPOILED that woman."
A Mexican Magician tells audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says uno, dos….*poof*
He disappeared without a tres
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread.
Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.
Breaking News: Vandals broke into the Origami Museum last night
Will keep you posted as the story unfolds.
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".
A dog gets lost into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah!This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top,a monkey witnessed everything.Evidently,the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily"get on my back,we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog.The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago… "
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping
They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replies with: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes says: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson thinks for a minute before responding: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes looks at Watson before responding: “No you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent.”
I don’t want to sound racist but…
Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me…
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.
But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.
A man walks into a pet store to buy 12 bees
After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,”The last one’s a free bee.”
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture
[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug
A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed. The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.” The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.”
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
The long-tongued desert cow
So a man was lost, wandering alone in an inhospatible desert. He wandered for what seemed like days, and was by this point very thirsty and quite hungry. As if in answer to his cries for help, he sees in the distance a small tent with a long rope leading up into the air, and another small tent floating there very high above it. Surely, this second tent in the air must be a mirage, but the first one on the ground seems real enough. The man staggers up to the tent, trying not to think too hard about the second tent up in the air, or the odd pink rope that he can plainly see extending down into a small hole in the ground. When he gets close enough, he can see a withered old couple sitting next to a withered old cow with its face buried in the sand and rocks. The old couple, surprised to see a stranger this far out in the desert, hurry to help the man into the shade of the tent. Let's give him a glass of whey, they say in unison. The man, quite sure now that this tent at least is not a mirage, feels a sudden revulsion at the thought of drinking a glass of whey. Please, says the man, do you have any water? Not much water in the desert, the old couple reply in unison. How do you live here with no water? the man asks. Well, you see, the couple explains, we have a long-tongued desert cow, she sticks her tongue way down underground to where there is water. We milk, her, but since she eats very little, the milk comes out as only whey. In response to this commentary, the cow flicks an ear and swats at an insect with her tail. I'm sorry, the man says, but I'm afraid I might throw up if I try to drink a glass of whey. I don't mean to snub your generosity. Don't you have anything else I could drink? Or is there a well nearby? The only other person for many miles is our neighbors in the tent floating above ours. The strange couple say in unison. The man looks up, finally acknowledging the tent floating in the air. You can see their long-tongued desert cow's tongue reaching down into that hole in the ground right there. They live off nothing but whey as well. Feeling delirious from exposure, the man asks one more time… So there's nothing else to drink? And the old couple reply… It's either our whey… or the high whey.
[SPOILER] Star Wars
https://imgur.com/lglgd2E
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
Our bedtime conversation
Me: (enormous, burly fart) Her: My god, that sounds like an animal! Me: Yeah. It was a butt ox.
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make
Women are so materialistic.
I bet they'd all dig me if I lived in a bigger car.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.