What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
Electrons have mass?!
I didn’t even know they were catholic!
Doctor : You’ve got a problem in your eyes
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
The Goose-Tapo
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having
Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
What do you call a cow in your garden?
A lawnmoower
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?" "For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies. "That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony. He extends his hand and says "Shake!" The pony promptly performs the trick. The man produces another dollar. "Play dead!" The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while. "How about a tougher one?" the man says and puts another dollar in the jar. "What's eleven minus five?" The pony stomps with a hoove six times. "This is incredible" he exclaims. The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault. After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says: "Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can't do?" "He can't sing" the man replies. The guy considers this for a bit. "Why can't he sing" the guy asks. The man looks him in the eye. "He's a little horse."
Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
happened earlier today. not the same person i used to be.
happened earlier today. not the same person i used to be.
So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed
Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say… So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the pub. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged. She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."
Seven has “even” in it.
That's odd.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
I recently received a book with “do not read until the year 2030” written on the cover
But that’s a story for another time
A golfer and a caddy step into the golf course. The caddy asks, “Sir, why did you bring two bags?”
The golfer replies, " In case I get a hole in one."
I’ve got a friend who reminds me of a software update.
Whenever I see him, I usually think "not now".
Why would T. Rex struggle to play the piano?
They’re extinct.
My father told me that I’m in the 1%
He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Would anyone be interested in being my companion?
Asking for a friend.
The Police
Police:Where do you live? Percy: With my mum Police:Where does your mum live? Percy: With me Police: Where do you both live? Percy: Together Police: Where is your house? Percy: Next to my neighbor's Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Percy: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me Police: Tell me Percy: Next to my house
Ive just deleted all the German names from my phone.
Now, I'm completely Hans-free
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name