What’s the easiest food to eat?
A piece of cake.
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
A Jewish girl asked for my number
I told her we use names now.
I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.
"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"
Why does Mr. T drive a Tesla?
Because he pities the fuel.
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
How do you get your ducks in a row?
Use duck tape, of course!
Sam walks into his bossβs office.
βSir, Iβll be straight with you, I know the economy isnβt great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.β After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. βBy the wayβ, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, βwhich three companies are after you?β βThe electric company, water company, and phone companyβ, Sam replied.
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in bed all day
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?
A civil engineer
My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression
I had to put my foot down
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?
I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.
A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower usually gets turned on.
How do you get dragon milk?
From a cow with short legs.
Did you hear the one about Oedipus and Midas?
It was motherfucking gold.
My dad used to say “when one door closes another one opens”
He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.
What do you call a tire in a tuxedo?
Formalatire.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph. Heβs not quite a full essay
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
If Iβm being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If Iβm being objective, itβs Dr. Whom.
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
Some guy just accused me of breaking into his car and stealing his subwoofer.
It was a bassless accusation.
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
I was being shown around a house. “What are the dimensions of this room?” I asked the guy.
He said, "Height, width, and length."
“I can’t ever see you again. I won’t let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK.”
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
My friend told me I have no idea what irony is
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
A man with a stutter answers an ad for “bible salesman wanted”.
He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back for more." The office manager is amazed when the man comes back the next day and says "I nuh, nuh, nuh, need muh, muh, more buh, buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager is dumbstruck but agrees to give the man another box, with one condition. "You have to tell me how you did it. "He says. "Well I just nah, nah, nock on the duh, duh, duh, door and say, I'm suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, READ IT TO YOU? "
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
Happy Mother's Day!
Do you wanna hear a ghost joke ?
that's the spirit.
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.
He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp. Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss." So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account. For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house. Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney…"