What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?
I got a few Twix up my sleeve.
How did early people discover wool?
By shear coincidence
A guy walks into a library…
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
I keep asking what does LGBT mean
I can’t even get a straight answer
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
My girlfriend said, “If one day, you want to run away, just let me know.”
Turns out she meant together.
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
I’m not sure what confused the mailman more…
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
I got kicked out of school for getting married.
I was going for my bachelor’s degree.
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
Why don’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our ratings. One star.
I can make the boss give me the day off.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
I bought a car that can only be driven when the leaves are brown…
It's an autumn mobile.
What do Egyptians do if they have a sore back?
Go see a Cairo-practor.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives.
/u/username goes to get his weekly groceries.
Username checks out.
“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Dad was told he only had 6 months to live. He said he wanted his ex wife to come live with him
Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.