“What’s the most american thing” asked and answered on the front page
My mom’s sister works in a bakery and is always in a bad mood.
She's my cross aunt.
If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,
what does smoking Marijuana do?
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud?”
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
My neighbor owes me $500 but won’t pay.
Lawyer: Do you have proof? Me: No L: Send him a bill for the $5000 he owes you. M: But it's only $500. L: Exactly, he will respond saying just that. And you will have proof.
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
How do you rescusitate a sheep?
You give it Sheep PR
What do you call a fight between E.T. and a man with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
"No idea, they just ransomware."
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
I’ve often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?
They don’t give shots to babies.
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
Having gay parents must be really difficult.
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man
I found out that my Toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was in complete Shock.
What is Jesus’s favorite workout?
Crossfit
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn’t happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."