What’s the point?
A four-chin teller
He was being mean
So they could see the battlefield
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
They didn’t see that well.
It was called Diffi cult.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
I said that makes two of us.
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
They come with an Elon Musk.
My family takes monopoly too seriously
That's Hawaii roll…
Are you having a crisis?
But now I can look back and laugh.
Especially because his name’s Steve.
The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go. The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go. The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog." The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles."
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
I've got two half sisters.
They never meat.
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities. Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
Nevermind it's tearable.
They both barely cover the asshole