What’s the point?
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?
He was being mean
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they could see the battlefield
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
Spent over an hour at the wife’s grave this morning.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Why did the blind person fall into the well?
They didn’t see that well.
I tried to join a secret religious society, but the requirements were very strict.
It was called Diffi cult.
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn’t move
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
It’s getting chilly!
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
I just took an AND test
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell
They come with an Elon Musk.
I almost got raped in jail
My family takes monopoly too seriously
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today…
That's Hawaii roll…
What do you say to your sister when shes crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.
Especially because his name’s Steve.
3 frogs get arrested
The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go. The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go. The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog." The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles."
![[Parody] Competitive Programming](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-155-400x247.png)
I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl..”
Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities. Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
