What’s the speed of light?
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
The doctor says it's terminal
Why do girls have nipples?
Because without them their tits would be pointless.
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
A mom decides to clean her sons room.
Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband. "What should we do about this?" she asks. He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
![[OC] Still at work tonight. Pixelart](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/no_image_card-76-400x247.png)
What do you call a rodent with a machine gun?
A ratatatatat
I asked my daughter why her electrician boyfriend didn’t show up for their date.
No shock: He was grounded
I played “My Heart Will Go On” on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
“You’re 1 joule per second, Harry!”
“I’m a Watt?”
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
Went to a sperm clinic earlier. That lady asked if i would like to masturbate in a cup?
I said, “I’m good but im not ready to compete in a tournament yet.
What I if told you
You read the title wrong
An Irishman walks into an American bar
He sits down and orders 3 beers. “You know, you don’t have to order these all at once – I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender. “Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin together,” and he chugs them all down. Every day for months, the Irishman comes in and does the same thing, until one day he orders only two beers. The bartender’s heart sinks, knowing the Irishman must have lost one of his brothers. “Im so sorry,” he says, “did one of your brothers pass?” “Of course not, they’re fine!” says the Irishman, “I’ve just quit drinkin!”
Boy asks, “Granny, have u seen my pills, they’re marked LSD”
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died" Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back" The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already" Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse" The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Dave said, "I’m going to raffle him off" The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead horse!" Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead" A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?" Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495" The farmer said, "Didn’t anyone complain?" Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back"
What’s an opinion without 3.14?
An onion
I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
I bought shoes from my drug dealer…
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.
Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck-an-ear
Why are pine trees bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!!
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic. As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"
