What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Me: There you go. So, what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Do not comsume if the seal is broken
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny. But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too." It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it. You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me. In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter. This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends united and bonded over how corny your dad was. Your friends stopped caring about trying to impress your dad and each other the second he ordered boneless cheese sticks with a big stupid grin. Corny dads make themselves lightning rods for cringiness so the lightning doesn't strike someone else. Source
they called it a day
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.
…It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…
Knock knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? I'm sorry, did you sneeze? Bless you.
No text found
It shall be a security gourd
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
No text found
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
"385, my liege." "Okay, round them up." "400, my liege."
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
But it was only temporary. (I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
It was a rip off
“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.” The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?” The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.” The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?” The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”
…except at a funeral
And now we have a virus.
It’s all word of mouth…
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.