What’s this “paid time off” you speak of?
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm”?
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
Why should you never be abducted by a group of mime artists
Because they'll do unspeakable things to you.
Son comes home from school…
Son: Dad, we got a strange new girl in class today with a really weird name… Dad: Now son, you shouldn’t think less of a person because of that person’s name. Son: I understand. Dad: Just curious, what is her name? Son: Nonstick Cookingspray Dad: ……what the hell kind of name is that? Son: That’s what I said! I tried calling her Pam but… Dad: …but what..,? Son: It just didn’t stick.
A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]
Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted. So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each. When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out. They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered. Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!" The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing electricity?
He was cleared of all charges.
For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.
It was a stage he was going through.
Reverend, Have You Been Drinking?
Reverend: Just water officer. Police: Why do I smell wine? Reverend: Good lord he’s done it again
Not a joke, just a thank you.
But seriously, thank you to everyone on this sub. I end my class periods with a joke of the day every day and I usually take them from here. There is never a day where the students don't unanimously sigh at the punch line!
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life. When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now that is how to have a good time." A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did. I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!" "Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?" "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?" "Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
These scare me most about the future when it’s a younger millennial sharing this drivel.
https://ift.tt/34p9pX8
I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought
“I can't turn that down.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
No text found
Last night I dreamt that I was weightless
I was like “0mg”
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
A little boy goes to his father and asks…
"Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat group on FaceBook. Then I set up a date via Tinder with your Mom and we met at a Starbucks, because of the free wifi. We sneaked into the rest room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a VPN, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"
What did the farmer say to the cows at night? 🐄
It’s pasture bedtime.
I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
Yesterday I was so hungry I ate a clock
It was pretty time consuming
Why did the snail paint a S on the side of his car?
So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot!” You’re welcome.
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
What kind of music do elfs listen to
Wrap music
I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower…
They all replied "How did you get in here??"
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”
A man walks into a bar…
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth. The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls. He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this." There is dead silence in the bar, when suddenly a hand goes up in the back. A blond girl comes forward and says, "I'll give it a shot, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
My Ex-Wife Cheated On Me With Her Deaf Best Friend…
Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs.
If a person overdoeses on Viagra
Do they die hard?
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Where can you get gas for a $1.49?
Taco Bell.
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
What did the drummer name his children?
Anna 1, Anna 2
