What’s tiny and can be found on the beach?
A Microwave.
For years I was against organ transplants
Then I had a change of heart
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
Prostitute rates…NSFW
Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates. She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.” The man says, “ok, heres $50.” The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!” The man then replies, “ class my ass, i want it 5 times on the grass!”
I never believed my friend would steal from his job as a road worker
but then I started to see the signs
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
What’s an extreme sport?
Doing your homework while the teacher is marking it
I met an Australian guy who works in IT.
I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
I got pulled over by the police yesterday
I was a bit nervous and a little flustered, so the policeman thought I was under the influence. He gave me a breath test, which I passed, but he was still not convinced. He then called in the sniffer dog, and when it arrived it promptly had a good sniff inside my vehicle. "Look here son", the policeman said to me, sternly. "This dog is telling me you have drugs on you" I looked at him, dead in the eye and said "mate, you're the one with the talking dog"
My wife always takes a run right after we have sex
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile
Why are IRS employees always tired when they get home?
Their jobs are taxing.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates?
The prose outweighs the cons.
Social distancing isn’t just a recommendation, it’s a commandment.
Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's house
A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.
100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up. “I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.” And with a wave of the angels hand they became absolutely beautiful. They get sent back and the second person goes up. “I want to be the most beautiful person in the world!” The angel stops, “The previous person said that, so I’ll make you the second beautifulest then.” With a wave of their hand the victim transformed and was sent down. It was at this time the person at the back started laughing to themselves. They were asked what he was laughing about but he kept it to himself. And so the line shrunk. “I want to be the 21st beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was laughing loudly now. “I want to be the 51st beautifulest person in the world.” He started rolling on the floor as he laughed. “I want to be the 75th beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was loudly gasping for air as he laughed harder and harder. “I want to be the 99th beautifulest person in the world.” Finally, as the last man wipes tears from his eyes struggling to breath, he walks up to the Angel who was very curious. “Why were you laughing all this time sir?” “I wish they were all ugly again.”
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs?
He was lacktoes intolerant.
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?
A floss-o-raptor
What do you call a liquified bread drink
Carbo-Hydrate
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
Girlfriend asks me ” Soooo, what sounds good to you?”
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
When I turned into a teenager, my dad repeatedly emphasized the importance of using a condom whenever I have sex.
He said, “Anyone who would sleep with you would sleep with almost anyone else.”
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian
Then soviet.
Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.
One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes. “Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.” “I can certainly try, for my best friend.” Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him. “AHHHH! Who are you?” “Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.” “Good hell, you scared me half to death.” “It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.” “Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam. “There is baseball in heaven.” “Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday.”
Donald J. Trump has been impeached
Finally, something he's earned
There’s a new horror film out about a man that possessed people by sneezing.
It's based on achoo story.