What’s up
Has anyone ever had a glass snake as a pet?
I had one once, it was a real pane in the grass to catch though…
How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
Why did miss piggie break off their engagement?
She was afraid of kermitment
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away its broom.
Why do hobbit holes only have one entrance?
One does not simply walk into more doors.
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my things and right
Research found chewing of garlic cloves daily helps prevent Wuhan virus.
People around you will socially distance from you automatically.
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
I said “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”. He said …
“I don’t know we never measure it”
I just adopted a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
I don’t hate ALL of the periodic table.
Just elements of it
Finding Jesus
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes,I am ." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and Asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for A little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the Water again — but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"
I never thought my baby daughter would go this far
Well, the catapult's fantastic!
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
What concert costs $0.45?
A 50 cent and nickelback concert.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones..
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
Biker joke
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control, and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman behind the wheel who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that…" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this…" We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
Peter and a genie walk into a bar
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Peter answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
I’m not going to bed tonight.
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
I was addicted to masturbating, now I’m addicted to sex.
It’s really gotten out of hand.