what’s with the tickle you random wave of sadness?
It was an absolute whopper
But she had too many issues.
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
Because they are ice-o-lating
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
By walking. JK. Rolling.
Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
Thank God it came back negative…
But he really saved the History channel.
But then I screwed up.
Door opens and a beautiful young woman sits into their compartment. After a bit, while crossing her legs, the woman accidentally farts. She goes red to the tip of her hair so the Englishman gets up and says: "My apologies, madam, gentlemen, my lunch disagrees with me" After a while, the woman accidentally farts again. The Frenchman shoots up like a rocket and says: "Gentlemen, please excuse me, my lunch disagrees with me". Then the russian gets up and says: "I'm going out for a fag, if that bitch shits herself – it was me".
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one
I can never get a straight answer
In a croc pot.
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could use a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin" replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?" "Well, actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Shit. Wrong thread.
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly', he replied.
The Jewdiciary branch
The difference is staggering
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.