What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: “I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once – the shield cracks; twice – the shield falls apart; thrice – the American is no more. Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once – nothing; twice – the Indian shivers a bit; thrice – the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?" The Russian: "The Indian, of course".
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar." The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells… "SUPPLIES!"
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
It dampens theirs spirits.
I only had him 3 hours and he made a bolt for the door.
But graphing is where I draw the line
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
An undercover cop.
I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
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So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
But I just wasn't a big fan.
Let that sink in for a minute
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
The p is silent.
Orders everyone around.
Milk- it’s pasteurized before you see it
"Well," he said, "in the past family names were often descriptive. People who forged iron for a living were called smiths, so that eventually led to the last name Smith." 'Is that where names likes Fisher come from too?' I asked. "Yes," he replied, "that's exactly where they come from." 'Thank-you,' I gushed, 'you're the best teacher ever Mr. Dickinson!'
Seriously, how low can you go?
But hay, it's in my jeans.
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it! "Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish! "I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said. And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him! "I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said. And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head. Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better. "I wish for a meatier shower!"
Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome.
A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.
Never knew he was a barber.
I think I’m being stalked.
They're always digging up the past.
Guess she’s homeless.
A pimple waits til you’re twelve to come on your face.