What’s with this diploma picture floating around everywhere and having a bunch of different reaction memes being added to it
Son: “mom, dad… I’m gay”
Mom: staring at dad⠀ ⠀ Dad: clenches fist ⠀ Mom: “….don’t” ⠀ Dad: sweats profusely ⠀ Mom: “stop it” ⠀ Dad: HI GAY, I’M DAD
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
A son went up to his dad one day and asked him the difference between hypothetical and reality.
“Well, son, I could explain it. But it would be better if I showed you.” “Ok, dad. How will you do that?” “Go up to your mom and ask her if she would have sex with her boss for $500,000.” So the son asks his mom, and she responds back with “fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok. Now go ask your sister if she would have sex with her principal for $500,000.” So the son asks his sister, and she responds with “Fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok son. Now the hypothetical situation is that we are now millionaires. But the reality is that we live with a couple of whores.”
Coughy Filter (see attached meme)
https://imgur.com/a/wi51bYh
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
As a landlord, I truly value my easy-going, Chinese food-loving occupants.
They're lo mein tenants.
Here’s a picture inside of the busiest railway station ( Howrah Station) in India!
https://ift.tt/2Pxb34x
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.
I have joke about left-handers.
The only issue is I’m having trouble finding the right audience.
If someone gave you $1,000,000 to replace their fuse…
would you refuse?
It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate
My friend is getting rich by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…
Why do riot police go to work early?
To beat the crowd.
A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died" Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back" The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already" Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse" The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Dave said, "I’m going to raffle him off" The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead horse!" Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead" A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?" Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495" The farmer said, "Didn’t anyone complain?" Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back"
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It was just lowercase.
A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.
"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her. She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?" I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
That’s how mafia works
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
Attorney-kit.
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
STDs are a lot like Pokemon…
It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
A magician never tells his secrets.
Except on the black hat market.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.
