What’s with those stupid fucking fake twitter replies? They literally add nothing to the comedic value of the post
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.
I'm the real part.
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?
MadAtGasCar
How do you think the unthinkable
With an ithberg
My Drug Dealer Sold Me Some Shoes Today..
I don't know what he laced em with, but I've been trippin all day!
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment…
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
What’s the difference between Bill Clinton’s VP in makeup versus out of makeup?
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
What do you call a female rapper?
38.5 Cent
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.
Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n
Young Virgin Couple
Young Virgin Couple A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.
I’ve been accused of stealing other people’s jokes
This post says otherwise
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
Blind man goes for surgery
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life. "Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection." "Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks. "No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
I caught my husband coming to a brothel and I’m not sure what to do now.
On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.
What did the farmer do when he lost his wife?
He tractored down.
A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.