What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxicabs
“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”
“No, shit, Sherlock.”
I think I’m going to kill off the main character in my new book
I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little
My Cocaine Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex.
“Timmy! Close your eyes and leave!” Timmy’s mom yelled. “But… what were you doing?” Timmy asks. “Well, your father has big beer belly, so I was jumping up and down on him to flatten him out!” The mother responds, nervous. “Well, there’s no use in that.” “Well, why not?” “Because when you’re out shopping, the lady next door comes in and blows him back up!”
Why did the snail paint a S on the side of his car?
So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot!” You’re welcome.
I got a job grooming police horses
I hate working with the fuzz… But it's a stable job.
why was the clock afraid it would get sick?
because its hands were constantly touching its face
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?
Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he “fell”
Daddy, what is clickbait?
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Two dyslexics walk into a bra
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What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things…
"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
When I hailed a taxi, the driver started insulting me.
"What was that for?" I asked, shocked. To which he replied, "Hey, that's what I do best. I drive people away."
A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.
-Hi Gary, how's everything going? -Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and… -Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I don't get upset and ruin my holiday. -Sorry, I never heard that before. -Well, that's ok, I guess you just didn't know. How's Dad doing? -Ahh, he's up on the roof right now.
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help. "Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!" The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h…how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied: "Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
A teacher told the students, “The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early.”
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early." Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face. "Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily. "Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What’s the difference between a bad cop and a good cop?
A good cop wears a goodge.
Sony, Panasonic, Toshiba.
They're all stereo types.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn’t last long for fat people.
How does Bill Gates count to ten?
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.
In order the figures were: 1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David. After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. 4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads: "Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"
When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend…
Then I saw the next two letters…
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it’s too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.
True story, happened in grad school when we had to learn fortran for some reason
https://ift.tt/3009lyq
Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"
Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.