What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician…
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
In my career as a lumberjack I cut exactly 58,274 trees.
I know because I kept a log.
I got kicked out of school for getting married.
I was going for my bachelor’s degree.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
I like to call my weed “the Quran”
Because burning it will get you stoned.
My wife said that this subreddit was full of stupid, unfunny puns…
But this post I made a couple hours ago says otherwise
I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.
Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China. The governor: Fine people…I don't know. Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do? Farmer: I'm a farmer. Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced. Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course. Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government. Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask. Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow? Farmer: I actually have two cows.
My son’s math teacher called him average…
I just think he’s mean.
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
My wife texted me: “Why are you typing everything in lowercase?”
Me: i stopped giving a shift.
Have you tried German sausages?
They're the wurst
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman’s door.
"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news". "Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies. The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor." The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?" He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?" Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!" The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."
“As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation”
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?" Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs
Why is it so hard to find pain killers in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
![[OC] Still at work tonight. Pixelart](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/no_image_card-76-400x247.png)
Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
What’s Forrest Gumps password?
1forrest1