What’s your preference? Vertically or horizontally?

6:30 is my favourite time.
Hands down.
I got a grandmother in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
I didn’t know the local railroad workers were good at singing
But I heard they were recently working on a new track
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
I just traded our luxury bed for a trampoline
My wife hit the roof

Day 5(?) of wfh. My co-worker insists on ‘reviewing’ my code but also brought along an external consultant called Dilophosaurus that only speaks in roars. They keep making additions to the code that end up giving loads of compile errors, but then blame it all on me. Not productive at all.
https://ift.tt/33x5hp5
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?
The stock market!
Monsters aren’t usually good at math
Unless you count Dracula.
My wife told me I needed to grow up, I was speechless.
It’s hard to talk when you have 45 gummy bears stuffed in your mouth
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
https://ift.tt/38Crcgl
My new girlfriend is so needy…
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"
The roof is not my child
But I will raise it.
If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be…
How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?
I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.
But i didn't think it wood work.
A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture
You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he’s a stud..
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.
Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.

DJT: We need free speech on college campuses. For conservatives. Who won’t boo me.
https://ift.tt/2K2Mtps
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell, “Donald, duck!”
My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!!”
"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"
We should use Hillary Clinton’s emails to build a wall
Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.
I’ve tried to use the word “mucho” when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
I don’t like how shopping centres are so similar..
You see one, you've seen a mall.