What’s your preference? Vertically or horizontally?
Remember when cosmetic surgery was a very taboo subject?
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs…phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all? I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover. So…is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?
Someone threw a can of coke at my head today….
Im ok though, it was a soft drink
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
No text found
What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?
A poultry. (came up with that in the shower)
Just read a book about the history of glue
I couldn’t put it down
I had to put my foot down today.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
I don’t know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
Its not anal bleaching
It's changing your ring tone
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn't autocorrect
I lost my notes I was writing for my book called “1,001 ways to cure an itch.”
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
An engineer who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.
He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing. The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success. He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris. It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy. Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology." – Edit: This is not my joke
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
Whats ET short for
It’s because his legs are little
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet?
Because he spends years at C!
What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?
Nickel-less Cage!
Now that people are isolated and bored they make a lot more dad jokes
It's a true pundemic
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
Goodbye Daddy !
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.” The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.” He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.” She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”
What’s Usain Bolt’s favourite remote button?
Fast forward
