What's your preference? Vertically or horizontally?

I got a grandmother in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses

she just drinks straight out of the bottle.

I didn’t know the local railroad workers were good at singing

But I heard they were recently working on a new track

There’s probably a stripper dressed like a cop that gives LAPDances

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Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…

The results speak for themselves…

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”

"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"

I just traded our luxury bed for a trampoline

My wife hit the roof

Yeah, not sure what title to put on this…

https://ift.tt/2DzlLRH

Day 5(?) of wfh. My co-worker insists on ‘reviewing’ my code but also brought along an external consultant called Dilophosaurus that only speaks in roars. They keep making additions to the code that end up giving loads of compile errors, but then blame it all on me. Not productive at all.

https://ift.tt/33x5hp5

Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?

It was pretty mindblowing.

Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?

The stock market!

The most peaceful feeling in the history of code.

https://ift.tt/3eytwY1

Monsters aren’t usually good at math

Unless you count Dracula.

Let’s help them share their success

https://ift.tt/2LH8ZFb

My wife told me I needed to grow up, I was speechless.

It’s hard to talk when you have 45 gummy bears stuffed in your mouth

What do older women have between their boob’s that younger women do not?

A bellybutton.

[OC] Still at work tonight. Pixelart

https://ift.tt/2NeZQna

5 million years of torture caw caw

https://ift.tt/2SgT6ZT

I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…

Who can drink two litres of Gas?

jerry can.

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

Have you heard the one about the comedian that ran out of material?

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What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

Dam.

How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair

https://ift.tt/38Crcgl

An improved version of my prior meme

https://ift.tt/2WOeHcu

My new girlfriend is so needy…

She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

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If you’re in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami?

Cocaine

Found on r/memes. What a shithole

Grandparents had this cut out to hand us at dinner

https://ift.tt/30fL8lY

How did this go so under the radar?

https://ift.tt/2OlAeFB

Euth gotta be kidding me. From r/askreddit

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be…

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.

But i didn't think it wood work.

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."