Went to a zoo that only had one animal in it, and it was a dog.
It was a pretty Shih Tzu
I’ve long suspected this.
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables… NSFW
No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to. I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says "Take it with me." I say "fuck it. I need a shower too". We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my dick. "Daddy, why is your pee pee so big?" And it hits me "Because I eat my vegetables." He's full on vegan now.
My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he’s having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)
What do you call Indiana Jones in a Scandinavian river?
Uh oh, Donnie!
I guess the present is an iPad
And it’s not due to closed salons amidst the lockdown….
What kind of music do elfs listen to
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
Cop: Sit on that chair,so we can interrogate you.
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything. Me : This isn't a chair.
There was a psychic midget who broke out of jail
The news headline was there is a small medium at large
A mushroom walks into a bar…
The bartender says we don't serve your kind here, The mushroom says, why not? I'm a "fungi"!?
I lost 150 pounds!
Unfortunately it was at a casino in England
Lawyer joke from my 8 year old
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney
Best way to enter a phone number
Leather armor is the best for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
My Science Teacher don’t know science
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
Just take it and shut up about healthcare plebeians.
This is very meta
No Amount of Fabreze Can Fix that…
Are you aware of how to avoid clickbait?
Yeah sure 🤷♂️
Bro, do you want a pamphlet?
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.
The fifth was dead Sirius.
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
A Steven King best seller
Did you read the news about corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines everywhere!
Biology meets destiny Gun memes
My roommate snapped a pic of me during my office’s virtual March Birthday Party…
I’m sorry… little one
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
How to remove an ink stain
And so on and so on
Wife getting eating by lions? Hilarious.
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones!
But the people in Abu Dhabi do!
My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”
That spoke volumes.
A journal goes to an insane asylum to write an article about it…
He sees all the patient milling around in one room and suddenly one yells 34!and everybody laughs. A few minutes later someone else yells 68! And everybody cracks up laughing.What are they doing? The journalist asks the directior.Well, says the direction… you see, all these people have been together for so long and they've all been telling the same jokes through the years. So now they have a numbering system down, they yell the number and everybody knows the joke and the punchline, saves then telling the whole joke over again.Try one… says the director.Alright, says the journalist and yells 22 and nobody laughs…What happened?Ehh… says the director… that joke was lame
Useful tip for programmers
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer
Here is a few magnets my parents keep on their fridge.
My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2
He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room…
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
It happens every time
Engineers in their natural habitat
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
A couple goes to a sex therapist..
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help. "Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!" The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h…how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied: "Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing" the woman says and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
A blind man enter a bar…
and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind man replies “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Why did the Swedish navy put barcodes on their ships
So they could Scandinavian
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.