wheelly sad
I’m really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
A friend suggested trying a local honey for my allergies. So I did that.
Now my wife wants a divorce.
I can cut a piece of wood by just looking at it
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
The doctor looked at my test results and said, “Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease.” I said, “How rare?”
He said, “You pick the name.”
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
I just turned 18 so now I shouldn’t need my glasses anymore
I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I also…
…had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces…
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe…
The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in a different direction and tells them to go into the forest, get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit, and bring it back. It can be any kind of fruit as long as they get ten pieces of the same kind. Man A gets back first with ten apples. The chief tells him that while they wait for the other two, he can do the rest of the test. "It's simple," the chief said, "you just have to stick all ten of the apples up your butt without making a sound." Man A gets one apple in with no sound, but he grunts in pain on the second and thus is killed. Man B arrives next with ten small blueberries. He is told the same thing as Man A and begins the challenge. He is on number nine, doing great and making no sound, when he bursts out laughing and is killed. In Heaven, Man A and Man B stand together in line at the Pearly Gates. "You were doing so well!" Man A said. "Why did you laugh?" Man B started laughing again and responded: "I just couldn't help it… I saw Man C coming back with pineapples." Fun fact: This is the first joke I remember ever being told. My cousin told me and his younger siblings it, and we laughed for like an hour.
Is it just me or is 21 pilots 19 more than they need?
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I just realized my countertop is made of marble.
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
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Masturbating
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
I ain’t sayin she a gold digger
but she did migrate to California in 1849.
I find bone puns very
Humerus
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the two lovers and hides in the bedroom to watch. The woman's husband comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says "Dark in here." The man says "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice to know." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside" Man – "Ok then, how much" Boy – "$150" Man – "Sold" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes it is." Boy – "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time asks the boy "how much?" Boy – "$350" Man – "Highway robbery. Sold" A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." They boy says "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says "$500" The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… That is way more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to the church so you can confess to your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boys says "Dark in here." The Priest says "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
A man’s in-laws are causing him severe stress….
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way. A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked. "Yep! They're finally dead."
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you
You have my Word
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once
It’s a four loaf cleaver
Why don’t people joke about the Jonestown massacre?
The punchline is too long.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Oh you millenials with your newfangled talk about this “curbside pickup” concept you “invented” because of Covid…
Well I tell ya, we garbage-men have been doing curbside pickup ever since the 30's. . . . And we didn't need any of your formal training for it neither, we just picked it up as we went along. . . . And get off my lawn!