When a developer uses his 100% of his cerebral capacity.
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
miners.
miners.
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
My workplace refuses to shut down during an international pandemic … my sister reacts.
https://ift.tt/3aU0ZLh
The first joke my 3yo self ever made
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
A cow got into the marijuana field…
Now the steaks are high.
My six year old nephew just told me this joke… Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
An officer asked me “Where did the hacker go?”
I replied, “he ransomware.”
Why I’m divorced.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’ I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected. As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner. After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.' And I just sat there …. on the sofa …. naked.
Wanna hear something funny? Quarantine.
It’s an inside joke.
We really need to stop using this assholes name as being better than something
https://ift.tt/31878Od
A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type…
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.
It was SpaceXXX.
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
My kid thinks ‘racist’ meant someone who is good at running.
Heard him tell his class mate, ‘You’re good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist.’ (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists!)
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
I’ve learned 99% of the English language.
I'm almost their.
Trump educates himself about the subject before talking about it
…. Thats the whole joke
I hear balloon prices are up
It’s due to inflation
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,…
…as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me". "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.