When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
That way it will never come for me.
It’s a non-prophet organization
It makes my day
Battle royale with cheese.
"There's is an option," Said the doctor, "I had invented the machine that transfers the pain of the mother to its father, the only thing is that the pain will be 10 times more intense." The husband, being the man he was, told the doctor to do it. The doctor turned it up to 10%, the husband stood like nothing happened. Then the doctor raised it to 50%, the husband didn't even flinch a bit. "it's a wonder!" said the doctor, " do you feel any pain?" "not a bit," said the husband, "turn it to 100%" "Are you sure?" said the doctor:"you can die from such pain" The husband agreed and the pain meter got up to 100%, but he still felt nothing. When the couple got home, the mailman is dead on the front porch,
Got such a fright when the lifeguard blew his whistle that I nearly fell in..
They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces. The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining." Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minutes until they see the local Communist officer, Comrade Rudolph, walk past. The husband says to his wife, "Look, dear, there's Comrade Rudolph, our local Communist officer. He always knows the truth. We''l ask him!" With that, the husband shouts, "Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or is it snowing?" Comrade Rudolph looks to the sky and says, "Raining," the continues on. The wife looks at her husband and says, "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
He frowned a little. "What's that?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Huh?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "I don't understand. Explain?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. He sighed loudly. "Are you crazy, dad?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked. There was a pause. "Anything these days," I continued. At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!" There was a silence. "This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
CEILING! CEILING! CEILING! CEILING!
… will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
Those were dark days.
Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads. -Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though. One of the people takes a step forward and speaks, seemingly troubled. -Benevolent Buddha, what more could I possibly do in my next life? I thought I lived and acted to the fullest. Because of my work almost the entirety of the earth's population will never starve. -My work was also to the extend of my abilities, says the 2nd one. Right now, the world I leave behind enters a revolutionary era were medicines can cure anything, such was my contribution. -My connections in life pushed all countries into an agreement of indefinite world peace, says the 3rd person. -I know all of your actions well. But that is still not enough. Here, let me show you a true example of someone who achieved everything that I ask for. They are waiting for the perfect reincarnation. The three people now both curious and excited follow Buddha to a small building. Their jaws drop when they find just an ordinary person inside. So ordinary that not even a small detail on that person sparks the tiniest interest. Before the Buddha can say anything else they all rush towards him. -Impossible, yells the 1st person! Such a plain human being! You! What was your work during your earthly life? -Who? M-me? I only had two part time jobs, nothing else that I can remember. During the morning hours I worked in a small plantation. Fruits and vegetables. -You're joking! shouts the 2nd person. And the second job? -Oh…that one was a bit odd. My village had a signboard were people would post their ads, job offers etc. But because the signboard was old, those would sometimes come off. My job was to put them back in their place. -This is preposterous, yells the 3rd person! How could you possibly have amassed such an amount of karma with just those two insignificant jobs of yours? -W-well, I don't know what to tell you. But I've really done nothing else, just farming and reposting.
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
what did the buffalo say to his son when he left? bi-son
I go under cover.
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
But, it’s usually when I walk in
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes"? His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay". The husband says, "No, not at all". His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then"? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
I prefer to see it as a plus
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance)."
But he came unarmed :/
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon Me: Oh jeez Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed Me: Oh my god what happened Dad: He ran out of gas
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
The result speaks for itself.
You boil the Hell out of it
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram