When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in tront of him. St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation" The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City" St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says "yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord" The priest is next, St Peter asks him " your name and occupation" "Father Samuel, minister of the church of God", the priest eagerly replies. After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the preist and says " very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord" At hearing this the priest is indignant, " what, but I've been faithfully serving the lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me". St Peter stares silently at the priest. Finally he replies, " my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed".
When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
My Ex-Wife Cheated On Me With Her Deaf Best Friend…
Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs.
I always knock on the front door of my fridge …
Just in case there is a salad dressing . This was horrible lol
I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.
Then I was born.
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie! 👔
A dog gets lost into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah!This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top,a monkey witnessed everything.Evidently,the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily"get on my back,we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog.The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago… "
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
What do you call a seizing cow?
Beef jerky.
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.
Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him. This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought. Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmer’s mouth, and he begin gasping for breath. All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, “Mr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?” Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. “The real choke is always in the commons,” he said.
Where did the Swedish cross country race end?
The Finnish line
Not really humour apart from how fucking absurd it is. How do people justify this?
https://ift.tt/37Fudf5
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But CATSCAN.
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
![In parts of Upstate NY, the [i] in words like “milk” is pronounced like an [e], like “melk.” This means that on Reddit, instead of getting “gilded,” you get…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/no_image_card-33-400x247.png)
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards
Patient: And?
How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
One of my friends stole all the DVDs of my horror movie collection.
In the end I decided to let him go. However, I still hold The Grudge.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
A Canadian..
Can't.
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the mainstream
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
