When a Programmer joins Twitter
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.
The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed." "What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too." They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woman's apartment for some kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more uncomfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, holding a whip and handcuffs. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream and a rolling pin. She notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door to leave. "What's going on?" she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?" He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shat in your purse. I'm all done."
Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
What do you call an amphibian that goes to space?
An Astronewt
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
2020 is going to be a great year.
I can see it so clearly.
![[cool caption]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/2xvt7hlhvhg41-400x318.png)
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
r/im14andthisisdeep:
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables… NSFW
No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to. I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says "Take it with me." I say "fuck it. I need a shower too". We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my dick. "Daddy, why is your pee pee so big?" And it hits me "Because I eat my vegetables." He's full on vegan now.
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor. The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’ The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?” The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
Why do teenage girls only hang around in groups of odd numbers?
Because OMG they can’t even.
“it is what it is”
“it is what it is”
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at.
No text found
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
Mess up the formatting
How do you ruin a joke?
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
"Five beers,please."
