When a senior dev couldn’t solve your problem so you two call another senior to help
Why was mission control so tense when NASA launched a cow into orbit?
It was a high steaks mission.
What do serial killers and fat girls on tinder have in common?
They both know how to hide their bodies.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts.
Bear with me
How do I get rid of it?
What concert cost 45Ā¢
50Ā¢ ft. Nickelback.
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
My son told me that he didnāt need any help to put on his tie.
Fine. Suit yourself
Hey, is your refrigerator running?
Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
Why canāt you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
If i had a dime for every time i didn’t understand what’s going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
“I didn’t have time for the impeachment, and presidents don’t play golf during pandemics.”
https://ift.tt/2LQWyWW
Iāve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so…he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me…
Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help? The Allosaurus. He earned a high-five for that one.
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous,
but backwards itās even more stupid
I saw an advert that read “Radio for sale, $1.00, volume stuck of full”
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
Why does every pothead want to be 5’8″ in height?
Then they literally 4'20"
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door , comes back in and says both.
Some people have difficulties sleeping.
But I can do it with my eyes closed.
My doctor told me I was going deaf 2 years ago
Haven't heard from him yet
A nine-year-old boy was in his motherās bedroom while his father was away at work.
Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son was in there. "Dark in here," the boy says. "Yes, it is," the man replies. "I have a baseball." "That's nice." "Want to buy it?" "No, thanks." "That's my dad outside." "How much did you say the baseball was again?" "$250." The man reluctantly paid the boy, and after waiting for an hour, finally managed to sneak out of the house unseen. A few weeks later, it happens again. "Dark in here," the boy says. "Yes, it is," the man replies. "I have a baseball glove." "That's nice." "Want to buy it?" "No, thanks." "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." "How much did you say the glove was again?" "$750." "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" "I can't. I sold them," the boy replies. "Really? How much did you sell them for?" "$1,000." "It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that! That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. "Dark in here," the boy says. The priest growls. "Don't start that shit again."
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down…
a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells āIf you promise to blow me then Iāll save your life!ā āWhat is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!ā She replies in disbelief. The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down yet another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor. āIāll save your life if you promise to fuck me after.ā He offers while holding on to her hand. āAbsolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I donāt want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!ā At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman letās go of her hand and she continues to fall. On her way down, a gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims āIāll suck!! Iāll fuck!! Iāll do anything for you!!ā The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: āWhat a whoreā and proceeds to drop her.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic association.
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Because he did not want to be spotted
Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because a moon rock is a little meteor
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money…
So I drew him a map to my ex-wifeās house.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could have done for him.
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
