When all you want to do is prove your innocence…
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
I lent a girl an umbrella yesterday
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a–base
When feeding me my mother would say “here comes the choo choo train…..”
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
I’ve asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the bar…
Well, she always said she wanted a night in shining armor!
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
What is the definitions of a will?
You guys should know this one, it’s easy, a dead giveaway.
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
I walked into my girlfriends bedroom yesterday without knocking.
As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most of then just have 4.
My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
me: i lost my gun
friend: aw shoot me: i cant
If you take something, that’s one thing
If you take something else, that’s another thing
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
And Jesus said “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
My wife said “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…”
It was a third degree burn
People think being a waitress isn’t a respectable job.
But hey, it puts food on the table.
I wanted to tell a cashier joke.
But I didn't think it would register.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Do I have COVID-19?
Or did you just take my breath away?