When all you want to do is prove your innocence…
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
In a dad-a–base
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
Well, she always said she wanted a night in shining armor!
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
Because then it'd be a foot.
You guys should know this one, it’s easy, a dead giveaway.
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
But most of then just have 4.
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
friend: aw shoot me: i cant
If you take something else, that’s another thing
He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
The cold shoulder
It was a third degree burn
But hey, it puts food on the table.
But I didn't think it would register.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Or did you just take my breath away?