“When am I ever gonna use this?” Asked the student to the algebra teacher
"Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully
The Pen..
Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?” Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.” Mike asks, “How do you know?” Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”.
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.
I’ve been telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's about raisin awareness.
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
Finally done some exercise
feels like a weight's been lifted
Why are there two “d”s in reddit?
The second ones is a repost like this joke
I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm
If you can’t come, let me know
Guy 1: “If my boss doesn’t take back what he said to me, I’m leaving the company.” Guy 2: “What did he say?”
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
An absolute 10, but also imaginary.
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet
Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.
My teeth need to be fixed.
They keep moving around.
I took my mom to the computer hardware repair store.
It didn't take much time to make my mother bored.
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
Relatable.
Relatable.
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
“What can I do for you, Father?” “I’m collecting for the orphanage.” “Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: “OK, you can take me now.”
The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, ”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom. The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came in silently………. He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his dick, got on top of her and fucked her like there was no tomorrow. When he finished and while he was still panting, the wife said, "You didn’t fcuking expect to find me in this bed did you!!” and switched on the light. “No madam”, said the gardener.
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
I saw a midget escaping prison and climbing over the wall
It was a little condescending
What kind of bird doesn’t have babies
A swallow
Donald trump walks into a bar…
And lowers it.
Two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
If one person has to go to the bathroom, they have to pee
If two or more people have to go to the bathroom, they have to queue
I thought a had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.
But nobody will do it.
The punchline comes first
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
What do baby parabolas drink?
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isn’t my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
life is more complex especially when you choose to own and maintain a fancy 2-door car
https://ift.tt/3cXcxyE
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada. Edit: Sorry.
I was never good at telling dad jokes
Probably because he was never around
I finally told my friend I have been sleeping with his mom…
I have been sleeping with my best friend's Mom now for many years. It has really torn me up as I am pretty sure he suspects it but is something we have never talked about. We have been really good friends now for 20+ years. I feel even worse because of how much he as looked up to me and how much I have helped him through. At this point there is no way I can break it off with his mother. Finally I have decided to tell him over dinner and drinks and I invite his mother to come. I was holding her hand under the table the whole meal (since she sat on my side). We finish the food and I finally just come out and say it: John, I have been sleeping with your mother for the past 20+ years, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. John just looks at me for a solid minute and finally says: Jesus Dad I kind of figured that one out for myself!