When an actor laughs at the worst of times…
I just ate a frozen apple
It was hardcore
Australians donât have sex
Australians mate
What so you call a letter with no friends?
Post Alone
Joker to Batman: “Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?”
"Yeah sure." Joker: "Ok, parental love". Batman: "I don't get it.." "exactly."
The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.
I might go take a gander.
I donât like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
What would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down
My climbing partner didnât appreciate it Edit: platinum 2 mins after posting. Thank you! Edit 2: Itâs raining platinum, hallelujah! Thank you everyone!
My parents say this sub will turn me into my father.
My bio says otherwise
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
Government
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ….. Now give me back my dog.
Iâve made a website for depressed tennis playersâŚ
The servers are currently down…
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
What’s the difference between “comma” and “coma”?
The length of the pause.
What do an English teacher and a Coder have in common?
They're both pro-grammars
Why does Waldo from the Whereâs Waldo books wear stripes?
Cause he doesnât wanna be spotted
Whatâs the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you canât beat it
The recently put forward a referendum to allow public flatulance
The motion was passed.
âEmployers, whatâs the most inappropriate thing someoneâs worn to a job interview?â
https://ift.tt/2VxmLxC
Today I quit drinking for good
now I only drink for evil
I buy all my guns from a guy called âT-Rexâ…
Heâs a small arms dealer…
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
What kind of music do accountants listen to?
Debt metal
What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up they would fall over. My 14yo daughter just dropped this one on us.
What’s the difference between Al Capone and Anakin Skywalker driving an Uber
One's a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader
I bought some toothpaste.
It's not your typical food sauce
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
![You need a crown [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/staw3yuj30k41-400x400.jpg)
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
