When an actor laughs at the worst of times…
The creator of the USB drive died yesterday.
He was lowered into the coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
I was surprised to find that “Trailer Park Barbie” doesn’t come with bruising on her body
Then I realized battery not included
Day 173 without sex
Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans…
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master’s degree…
Four mates go camping but they all hate to cook. So, they draw straws to see who cooks first. But, they agree that whoever cooks first will keep cooking until someone complains, and then the person that complains will take over cooking duties…
So, Dave draws the short straw and cooks on the first night. He puts in some effort and the mates are rapturous in their reviews. “Amazing” says John “Best meal ever” says Phil “I wish my wife could cook like this” says Sam. Dave is flattered but can see that they’re gaming him. So the next night he puts in no effort at all. “I didn’t think you could top last night but you have” says John “Have you been taking classes because this is phenomenal” says Phil “Keep cooking like this and I’ll marry you” says Sam. They all laugh but Dave knows that the whole trip will now be him cooking. The third night, Dave takes a dump, rolls it in spices and then fries it. He plates it up and hands out the plates. John’s teeth are the first to sink into the turd, and as his brain registers what it is, he spits it out and screams, “My god, this is SHIT!” He quickly looks at the three faces staring back at him and says “but beautifully cooked.”
A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.
They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks: "Oh my god, what is with your toes?!" The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger" They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable. "Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!" "Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger" She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"
What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’ I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
Two lesbians go on a date, who pays for it?
The guys that think they're on a double date
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
What do you call an old, Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
I bought a guitar made out of diamond.
Now I can play some hard rock.
How did the farmer find his daughter?
He tractor
Never take chidren seriously
They are always kidding.
My child keeps saying small groups of words together
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
[Warning: 18+]
19.
After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it’s too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."