New Tesla’s dont have a new car smell
The come with a Elon Musk.
Two windmills are in a field.
One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?" The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.” The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?” The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
A vegan once said to me, people who sell meat to eat are disgusting….
I replied, people who sell fruit and vegetables to eat are grocer
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
I ordered a jokebook from Amazon the other week and I’m still waiting for it to arrive.
Sorry if this wasn't very funny to read out on Reddit. Most of my jokes are all in the delivery.
What is a wise, old priest’s favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano? Anakin Skywalker
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
I can really see myself doing that.
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
I spotted a bunch of people in a long line and asked with a laugh “is this the punch line?”
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
There’s love without sex and there’s sex without love…
Then there's You, without either. Happy Valentines
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
Going against the grain here
Chinese takeout: $15.00 Gas to get there: $1.50 Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes… Riceless
Joke
A mother asks her son: "Bob, do you think I’m a bad mom?" – Son: "My name is Paul."
A priest and a rabbi go to a remote lake for a swim.
All of a sudden, two buses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi’s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "Rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "In my community, they recognise me by my face."
My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.
I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.
Im at an Iranian military post
Edit: This post just blew up
People say vegans are annoying
But I've never had any beef with them.
Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.
Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
After you die, what’s the last part of your body that stops working?
Your Pupils. They dilate.
Ah yes, forget the fact that the cost of college increased at least 260% since 1980
https://ift.tt/2PbrZNy
National Dad Conference
Speaker: “I'm glad you could all make it” Whole crowd: in unison “Hi glad you could all make it, We're dad” Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…
What is the loneliest cheese?
Prov-Alone
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (The answer is not what you are thinking)
Not what you are thinking.
What odd number is no longer odd when you remove a letter?
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even. Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago. I’ve never been more proud.
It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.
"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today." "No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked. "I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then." Then it was Tuesday. John came to job, in perfect health, thanked the boss for the day off and was working as usual. So the week passed, then the weekend and it was already next Monday. "Boss, I'm sorry to call you again, but can I get this Monday off as well? I'm sick." A bit weird, two Mondays in a row, but what can you do, the boss thought. It's just a coincidence. "Sure, no problem. You'll make it up when you're feeling better", the boss replied. And so came Tuesday. Boss was worried about John, but didn't want to pry, so he let it slide. John worked as usual that time, and for the rest of the week. Then, the next Monday arrived. "Boss, I'm really sorry, but can I have this Monday off as well?" John asked. Boss knew something was off, but better not to have John around sick he though, if he was even really sick, so he decided to talk in private, after John was feeling better. "Ok John", the boss replied. "This is getting weird but you just rest, you can't function while you're sick. I suppose I'll see you tomorrow?". "Yes, I'll be coming tomorrow as usual. John was at work the next day so boss decided to find out what was going on. "John, we need to talk. One Monday is not a problem, two Mondays in a row are a bit weird but things happen, but three Mondays are no coincidence. What is happening? I need an explanation." The boss was not happy at all. John decided to be honest. "Well, here is the thing. Every Monday, before work, I go to my cousin for a cup of tea. Every time we start drinking tea, chatting, and we always end up having sex." "Oh my god! Sex, with your cousin? You're sick!" "Well I told you so!" Sorry if I misspelled something, heard the joke it in my native language.
My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time…
That was a pain in the ass.