When comedy turns into tragedy IRL.
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
Who can carry petrol?
Jerry can
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
Did you know piranhas can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Did you hear about the arrogant cannibal who started eating himself?
He was so full of himself.
Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?
I don't know, they just ransomware.
I adopted a goat for my son called Roxanne.
"I wish you'd called me something else," he often says.
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian
I just got banned from /r/fashion
Apparently they didn't like my threads
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
A man goes to church to confess his sins….
He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard." The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad." "Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard." "My son, this is not so bad. 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers and you shall be cleansed." The man interrupts, "Um Father, there was some wood left over, so I used it to build a fence around my yard." The Priest was surprised. "My child, that's a bit worse. You'll have to do 2 full rosaries." The man speaks up again. "Father, you see there was still some wood left and I used it to build an extension on my house." The Priest sighed with discomfort. "Oh dear my child. You'll need to do some real penance for that. Our church courtyard could use an update. Do you know how to build a gazebo?" The man replied, "No father, but if you have the plans, I have the wood."
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
Texted my dad to figure out what we wanted to eat for dinner, and got this one
Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?" Him: "Eat, lol. You?"
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
Why are iPhones like the NFL?
The Chargers suck.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
My partner is learning about male genitalia and vasectomies
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
Where do sasquatches live?
Sasquatchewan!
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free." The husband begins packing his bags. "What are you doing?" asked the wife. "I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date…
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
Will glass coffins be popular some day?
Remains to be seen.
My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.
Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
NSFW
Deciding not to wear a helmet to your construction job.
A Roman walks in a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says:
"I'll have 5 beer please."