Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
Why aren’t koalas considered real bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications
My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.
She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
synonym rolls
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, βWait! Iβm a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, βAnd you will dialogue!"
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it the crucifact.
I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.
They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well. The doctor exclaims βSave the children!β And begins to jump out of the lifeboat. The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating βScrew the children!β The priest says βDo we have time?β
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence
I hate two things
math
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus
Sails have gone through the roof
My dad was showing me how to use a bow
He took me to the edge of our rather large property, He shot one tree, then another, then another, with very impressive aim. "Alright son, you're up!" I aimed at a tree that hadn't been shot yet "No son! Not that one!" "Why not?" "Because that's not archery!" So I shot one of the others "Was that alright?" "That's fine, that's archery."
A guy sits on a plane and realizes heβs sitting beside The Pope.
Heβs too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, βExcuse me my son, but Iβm doing a crossword puzzle and Iβm stuck. The clue is βa 4 letter word that you can call a womanβ and it ends with U-N-T.β The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exclaims, βAha! I got it!! Itβs aunt. A-U-N-T!β The Pope smiles and claps his hands. βWonderful!! That must be it!! Thank you! One more thing my son, would you happen to have an eraser?β
Did you hear about the Utah National Guard’s new IMI-made .44 Magnum?
It's called the Deseret Eagle.
What do you say to your sister when sheβs crying
Are you having a crisis?
Do you remember Limewire? You might have ruined your parents computer but it was worth it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kSU9d-PfMY
What’s black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.