When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
What a releaf!
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
Because they have 2 shifts.
Finally, something he's earned
..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldnt you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”
It’s always the centre of a tension.
We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.
A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily. Sooner than later, another vampire enters the establishment and sees his fellow child of darkness happily nursing his glass at the bar. He proceeds to sit next to him and orders the same, to which the bartender obliges and plunks down another large warm glass of blood. Finally a third vampire strolls through the door and walks confidently up to the barkeep and the other vampires. He opens his fanged mouth to speak, but the Barman interrupts him: "Let me guess…" he opines, "One large glass of warm blood?". To his surprise the vampire shakes his head. "Actually, can I have a cup of boiling water please?" The Bartender is confused but is unwilling to question the motives of a vampire, especially a vampire customer and produces the boiling water for his guest. The other vampires, also curious pause their drinking to stare at the new arrival. Sensing their curiosity the vampire simply shrugs, produces a tampon from his pocket and dunks it into the cup. "I'm making tea…"
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Just for shits and giggles
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
Because the other side has all the moonshine
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
That's Crossing the Border
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
All of ‘em, I hope!
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
It was the end of my Korea
They were already stuffed!
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much" Sir, that's not really a problem. "One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!
It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo…
…He burped 7 up
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
The doctor phones the man back shortly after and says, "You called?" The man thinks for a second, then says, "No, pretty warm, actually."
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.