When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
What do you call a rude grape?
…….Ungrapeful
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
What did the melon say when his girl asked him to run away and get married?
I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
I’ve never gone to a gun range before.
I decided to give it a shot.
If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey to wear at the fair, what will Delaware?
I don't know but Alaska.
I told my teenage daughter to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh dad you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS…
They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading. Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out… The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here". The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be television so that even when she was dead, her face was still on TV. The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse hard. As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first. As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead. He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists. The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon. "Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK. I don't want you fucking pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn’t know I existed.
I used to be addicted to soap….
I’m clean now.
Why did China get invaded?
They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door….
She says "who is it?" "It's the blind man" comes the response. Ok, thinks the nun. "Come in then". In walks the man; "nice tits, now where do you want this blind?"
When you donate food to a church…
is it parishable?
What do you call a drunk coffee?
Amerrycano.
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.
Hope it’s not terminal.
Kate is a pretty name, it’s the name I would want to give to one of my twin daughters.
I would name the other one "DupliKate'
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.
One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold shoulder. Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is furious that he would disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a long time. Finally it's our turn and Ving tells me he has picked "Lee" as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about disrespecting their ancestry. Then it's time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can't do it. The lady at the desk says it’s ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. "DAD!" Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, "Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!"
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
I rarely tell dad jokes
But the times when I do, he laughs
Guys, to be frank
I would have to change my name.
A recent study has discovered a new strain of lice that is resistant to conventional treatment.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber’s van parked in our drive
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes.
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted……..
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
Why can’t chickens tell time properly?
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper.
Did you hear about the canine comedian?
His jokes are ruff
What is the difference between two lions surrounded by crops and the part of a person’s arm extending from the elbow to the wrist?
One's a forearm. The other's a roar farm.