When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration. The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband replies "he wants my license!" The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going. The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!" As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful." The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.Those who understand binary and those who dont.
https://ift.tt/37g9Ztt
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college…
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.
A dwarf was pickpocketed recently.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture
They're all back stabbers
Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband’s cell-phone
"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway" Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"
The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.
I wish tinder had it too.
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
My wife and I had a fantastic wedding
Even our cake was in tiers.
My daughter keeps pestering me to check her hair for lice
I think it’s just all in her head (I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it! BTW first attempt at a dad joke!)
I have a fear of numbers which aren’t the ratio of two integers.
It's really irrational.
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.
Then I realized I hate country music.
I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window…..
Little did I know the window was rolled down… at least it stopped crying
What do Japanese cannibals eat?
Raw men
A man bought a parrot but it had a bad attitude and a fowl vocabulary…
He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its dirty language but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot flies out, lands on his perch, and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask – what did the chicken do?"
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
What kind of bird doesn’t have babies
A swallow
My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses.
I'm worried he may be in a colt
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
An ancient mathematical joke
https://ift.tt/2NzJIMz
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What's that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "How big are the cats!?"
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh…
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…