When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
A nun plays golf and takes the Lord’s name in vain
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?" "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a Talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not Relaxing?" "Far from it, "snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today." "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a Bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee." "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate, but surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs My ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this Hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his talons !" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile? "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
Deadline of projects
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home. Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
What do you do with an English prostitute
You give her a pound, then you give her a pound
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
Now more than ever
“Unreachable code block.”
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
Oracle cannot answer every Question after all
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson
Warren would play him like a trumpet
How do you keep burglars from stealing your bagels?
Install new lox.
Different kind of airplane mode
I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry
Fight or flight 24/7
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said "Bach Bach Bach!"
A wife came home early and…
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
Easy betrayal 😭
What do you call a dolphin that never ends?
Dol, cause there’s no “fin.”
Don’t you just love informative error messages?
The person who owns [email protected]
Stereotypes ✅ terrible graphics ✅ big noses ✅
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual
My 8yr old daughter got me with “I can breathe under water”
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
How are you today
I can change the past
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr.Awkward.
I asked my daughter why her electrician boyfriend didn’t show up for their date.
No shock: He was grounded
Pretty important things
Messing up my chain reaction on the phet lab…
Sad but true
Most cults are very similar
Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
Adenosine triphosphate is my life
wife FAT wife BAD wife YELL
Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
So there’s a new hotel that’s just opened up called 12:59:59pm.
I heard their service is second to one.
When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed.
But the ground was cracking up.
Why’s there no original content on this site anymore?
because everyone's already Redd-it
I might destroy this man’s career…
Boomer joke on my colleagues’ WhatsApp group
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Found this gem
When you have a good regular expression
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
I love the Facebook compression. It always make the picture look nicer
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
… it’s easy on the eyes
I started a company…
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Or do be like that sometimes.
Made by Twitter
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A friend of mine said to me the other day “What rhymes with Orange?”
I said "No it doesn't."
I got scammed into buying fake bamboo
That day, I was bamboozled.
I found out the secret to making money…
But first, let me introduce you to todays sponsor Raid Of Shadow Legends.
Cognitive development bad
Funny at first, but when you start to think about it…
The best jokes as wall decor end up at the thrift shop
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
Trump would gladly sacrifice thousands of innocent Americans for economic gain.
Joe’s not holding back
Some will laugh, some will cry