When does a new joke become an “old” joke?
After you’ve reddit.
How did the potato feel about being uprooted?
It was a root awakening.
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He's disqualified
I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
A farmer
buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it’s fucking the geese and the ducks too. Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, " You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "Shhhhhh! They are about to land!"
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
I’m glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store
It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
A defribilator almost never fails, when it did…
No One was shocked
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
A person asked me, “Aren’t you the guy who brags about weird stuff?”
I replied, "No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
I’m telling dad jokes…..
Sometimes he even laughs!
My dad showed me his new Mount Everest replica today
I said "Wow! To scale?" He said "No, just to look at"
Found this on my camera roll for some reason
Found this on my camera roll for some reason
My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!!”
"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"
Everyone was excited at the autopsy club…
It was open Mike night.
What’s the definition of a will?
Come on guys, it's a dead giveaway.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
If you remember the OG Morbius DS, well introducing an even worst spin-off Madame Web on the Wii
If you remember the OG Morbius DS, well introducing an even worst spin-off Madame Web on the Wii
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
…Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
A man walks into a pet store to buy 12 bees
After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,”The last one’s a free bee.”
What was the tallest mountain in the world until Mount Everest was discovered?
Mount Everest. It just hadn't been discovered yet. (compliments of my 8 year old)
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
I’d like to tell my lasagna joke here,
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
As far as disabilities go, being mute isn’t that bad…
But I can't speak for everyone.
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs