When feeding me my mother would say “here comes the choo choo train…..”
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
The fake outrage of the GOP and MAGAs 🤔
Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?
Therapist: You bet. Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.
A bad workman blames his fools..
EDIT: *tools stupid keyboard
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
Why did the duck get arrested?
Because he was on quack
It happened to me
Today my dad celebrated his 62nd birthday.
It was only a minute long.
What do you call a constipated detective?
Times have changed
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family. The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
The only way to be safe from corona virus.
Know the difference people!
found in the wild
Better hurry on up with that C6H12O6
Midgets and Dwarfs…
have very little in common.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
They’ll never stop supporting Trump
Dog 1: “I’m sad, tell me a joke.” Dog 2:”OK, knock, kn…”
They both run to the door barking wildly.
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes
He won the no-bell prize
The opportunity of a lifetime
I can’t believe he did that 😢
My wife got mad just because I hoovered up her contact lenses
Well, I guess she was wearing them at the time.
My 8 year old pulled this on me
Daughter: Dad, are you smart? Me: Yes. Daughter: Spell it. Me: S-M-A-R-T Daughter: You said you’re smart but you can’t even spell the word “it.” She got me good.
My mom was telling dadjokes
Im sure she meant well…
Found on Facebook, boomers paradise.
Low key though creeks are a lot of fun
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
Salary you little buffoon
Only took 4 years for this tweet to properly age.
Found this cartoon in my newspaper
No one born before the 80s uses an iPhone
Stephen King has a son named Joe
I’m not joking, but he is.
The mob may be the mother of tyrants, but Judas also claimed to be a brother to Jesus.
Found in my math textbook
Are you smarter than a fifth grader?
A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn’t seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.
Friend: So do you have any kids? Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys. Friend: Nice! What are their names? Woman: Steve. Friend: You mean… All of them are named Steve? Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's even worse if I have to call them one by one. All I have to do is shout "STEVE!!!" and they all turn around immediately! Friend: But what if you only want to talk to one of them at a time? How do you differentiate them? Woman: Oh, well in that case, I just call them by their last name…
Actually good boomer comic
Kinda wholesome cause there’s always someone there for you
witness the birth of a new religion
Found this in the woods today. It’s a DNS log.
Facts. Don’t mess this up America.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Hand Jobs $20 (NSFW)
A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads Grilled Cheese – $3 Ham and Cheese $5 Roast Beef – $6 Hand jobs -$20 A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?" "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks. "Yes I am!." She replies with a wink. "Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."
the dangers of buttfuckin’
Off by 24 error
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
Korean Boomers be like:
He is correct
Wild boomer card spotted
git commit -m “fixed ‘most’ bugs”
Haha women useless! (I translated for you :) )
Don’t know if this counts
So sorry 😅😅
Nobody’s spending because of this virus!
Phone controls me