When God sets up a cron-job for periodical cleanups
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
If police never did wrong, people would trust them
Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ….
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh
Nothing, it's on the house Edit: found out I accidentally reposted. Sorry people but happy holidays
What do you call someone who cleans a vaccum cleaner?
A vaccum cleaner.
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.
A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go." The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that." The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
Not really humour apart from how fucking absurd it is. How do people justify this?
https://ift.tt/37Fudf5
All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs.
Except the worms, they came in apples.
What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?
The Answer Will Shock You!
What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Today my daughter told me “Dad, your jokes are bad”
I was sad until she told me "Don't worry I'm just kidding, nothing could be father from the truth."
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
What do you call the Italian hood?
The Spaghetto.
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."
What are the letters in the Pirate alphabet?
I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
They told me I wouldn’t be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely
What do metals call their friends
their chromies
Why are the Avengers so good with tools?
They’re always assembling
One of my favourite words in the English language is “frequently”.
I try to use it as often as possible.
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man." "No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer.
R. Kelly in the news again–tested positive for the COVID-15 virus
…apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.
I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.
"Dear, get off the swing" she said.
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?
To beat the crowd.
I teach high school English and this is my go to:
Student: “Hey can you check this to see if it’s right?” Student hands me their writing. Me, holding their paper upside down: “well, first of all, it’s written upside down.” And then I give it back to them and walk away as if nothing happened.
Any parent would agree. Made me laugh then I realised how true it was then it made me sad
https://ift.tt/31QHSfY
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
They are immediately disqualified.
