When going viral is not a good thing
Yesterday I watched a match of women’s volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.
But by tomorrow I should be fine again.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Did you here about the man who broke his funny bone?
They soaked it in water and it became a laughing stock.
What do you call a chubby midget?
Low fat.
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he “fell”
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
How do you keep burglars from stealing your bagels?
Install new lox.
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
Two irishmen, lost at sea…
Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate. Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it. One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out! "Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads. "I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully." Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!" "Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer. The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Aspirin
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
I just don’t see it.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had reptile dysfunction
Knock knock who’s there Doris Doris who
Doris locked that’s why I’m knocking
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh… No, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Do you know why dark is written with “k” and not with “c”?
Because you can't see in the dark
TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.
It just ain't right turning your back on family.
What’s up doc?
I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real McCoy.
A man dies and he’s able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.
And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "what the fuck?? Where are the hookers and blow? The dj and pools?" and the devil responds…. "well, that's the difference between being a tourist and being an immigrant"
There was a toilet stolen from the police station…
They have nothing to go on My dad texted this to me today
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
“What is your name, son?
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
Why do younever buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer?
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.