When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be
"You guys want to see a dead body?"
two antennas met on a roof, feel in love and got married.
the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.
A guy broke into my garage and stole my limbo pole last night…
Seriously, how low can you go?!
So what if I don’t know what “apocalypse” means.
It's not like it's the end of the world
Three drunk guys walk into a brothel…
The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her ass, she farted on my face, and flew out of the window…”
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
Spiderman saves the day with help of a sad joke.
https://ift.tt/32dkF7K
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
My parents used to give me this gum as a kid, and I bought a new pack for nostalgia
https://ift.tt/3afdd0S
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift…
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says "Hey!" Then the horse replies "Sounds good!"
They always tried their best
They always tried their best
I’ve never actually seen someone use a newspaper to kill a spider, shoes work better
https://ift.tt/3bGffYi
Why is your nose is the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Hans, Is That You?
The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI. In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on. The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
Recently my son asked me why two turtles were playing piggyback.
That's when I knew it was time for the talk. 'Son', I said. 'Those are tortoises'.
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started counting, “Uno, Dos…”
But then he disappeared without a Tres….
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
I am okay but, I think I dyed a little inside
I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.
She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism.
They said if I didn’t pay it back on time I’d get repossessed.
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?
Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble bee
If you think 2020 puns are bad this year, just wait until next year.
Hindsight will be 2020.
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.
That came out of nowhere.
Hiring manager: “What’s your greatest weakness?”
Man: "I’d say honesty ." Hiring manager: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."
A man goes to his doctor because he’s been having headaches for the last 20 years.
The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis. “The only way to cure your headaches is castration.” The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure. It works, and his headaches are gone for the first time in 20 years. He is ecstatic and decides to treat himself to some new things. He decides the first thing he’s going to buy is a suit. So, he goes to the finest men’s store in town and tells the tailor he wants a new suit. The tailor says he can help and that he’s pretty good at measuring people just by looking at them. He tells the guy that he looks like he wears a 42 Regular suit. The man remarks that the tailor was exactly right, and the suit fits perfectly. The tailor asks him if he’d considered getting new shoes. The man hadn’t, but decides to treat himself. The tailor looks at the man’s feet for a second and comes back with an 11-wide shoe. Again, a perfect fit. Finally, the tailor asks the man if he’d like anything else, perhaps some socks or underwear. Being as the man recently had surgery, he decided to get some new underwear. The tailor looks at him and says that he will go get some 38 underwear. The man laughs and says, “Ah, I’ve finally stumped you. I wear 34 underwear.” The tailor looks at him and reply’s, “No you don’t, if you wore 34 underwear, it would hold your testicles too close to your body, pinch the nerves, and give you headaches.”
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir?
A reddithor.
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.