When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”
It was a third degree burn.
Mario Kart is the cause of violence in youth
The psychic I go to can predict what’s going to happen two years from now.
He's got 2020 vision.
I’m a scientist doing research in bestiality.
Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.
Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself
Seen 3 days ago
Expectations vs reality
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job
Guy at the door: Sir, would you like to make a donation to the local orphanage?
Dad: No problem. (To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on.
Quantum Earth Theory
Yknow this is a pretty solid point
Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. “But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. “Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”
haha wife bad
It’s now an emergency
You’ll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
But not if you die late.
How do you cut the ocean in half?… you use a sea saw
You use a sea saw!
How many nails are there in a lesbian’s coffin?
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.
What’s similarity between playing a chess and having a dinner in Australian restaurant?
They both end with “Checkmate”.
How do you turn a joke into a dad joke?
You make the punchline apparent.
I was at a local bar when a woman
at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
What do you call fake potatoes?
What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
Happens to me quite often
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
My mother posted this to her husband.
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Man asks the Waitress: “Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed: "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
Funny at first, but when you start to think about it…
I was once in an airplane when I realized the pilot didn’t pass any proper training
He was just winging it
Ive just deleted all the German names from my phone.
Now, I'm completely Hans-free
What It Feels Like to Fix a Bug in Production
The accusation is perfectly fine.
My glasses are not for sale though
Little billy goes to a whorehouse
Madame: little Billy, get out of here! You're too young and you can't afford my girls. Little Billy pulls a huge wad of cash out of his pocket. Billy: I've been saving my allowance all year, and I've got my pubes. I want to bang a whore. Madame: well, okay. You can have any girl in the house except Sandy. Billy: Why can't I have Sandy? Madame: You don't want Sandy! She's got the herpesyphigonalaids! It's the worst VD ever! You don't want that little Billy. Billy: Yes I do! That's what i want! I want the herpesyphigonalaids. Madame: why little Billy? Billy: I'm gonna bang Sandy and she's gonna give me tje herpesyphigonalaids. Then I'm gonna go home and tonight i'll give it to my babysitter, then when my dad drives her home she'll give him the herpesyphigonalaids. When dad gets home he's gonna give mom the herpesyphigonalaids. Then tomorrow while he's at work mom will give the mailman the herpesyphigonalaids. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERF***ER WHO RAN OVER MY DOG!
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.
Why so nervous? Are you hiding something?
How long has this person been using a sun shield this way?
thE CiVil wAr waS aBoUt stATe rIgHTs
Who had the time to draw this?
Our memory that we have.
My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
Make it so.
Is botany still cool
A senior being told to self-quarantine
My iPhone made an album of when I took my kitten to the hospital and she died last year.
What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?
They'll get over it.
What do you call a Christian Game developed by Ubisoft?
One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse
So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. The farmer becomes rich, but still prefers the quiet of his farm, so he returns back to the farm. The horse still goes all over, now that he's been hired as a live musician for several talk shows, but he returns to the farm every so often to check in with the farmer and the farm animals. After a few months, the farmer discovers that a chicken can speak as well, and has a burning desire to play the drums. Despite the obvious punchline, the farmer buys a specialty set of drums for the chicken. The chicken forms a two animal band with the horse, and they tour the country, produce a few CD's, and make the farmer even more money. Soon, more animals, a donkey and a sheep join the band as the singer and the bassist. The chicken, sheep, and donkey are going to their next concert, but the horse flies back to the farm to find the farmer, sadly, dead in his bed. Never having experienced such deep sadness, the horse does what his human companions taught him: he goes to the bar, where he sees a newspaper that says the flight the sheep, donkey, and chicken crashed into the mountains, and none survived. The horse walks up to the bar, tears flowing from his eyes. The bartender looks up at the horse, and says "Why the long face?"
He’ll probably flex on his impeachment crowed tho
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.
NEW YEAR, NEW RULE. That is all.
they really be tryna cause another red scare
There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
He’s Going To Facebook Jail
I see no flaws in this logic … unless politicians are above the law?
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
This has happened to me so many times