When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
Boomer uncle posts this on Facebook nice break from his usual Michelle is a man posts
https://ift.tt/2Eou8zy
Do u know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone ?
Can’t hear a vitamin
This man’s boss said, “You can have a week off if you want to.”
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Did you hear about the new radio station?
W-I-F-E They tell you what to do all day long!
Hear the one about those corduroy pillows?
Been leaving headlines everywhere
I’m entering into the world’s tightest hat competition
I hope I can pull it off.
If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
I’m addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of the smell.
I love foreign axe scents.
I did Nazi that coming
Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less" Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER" Hitler looks up: "Yes?"
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
The first Karen to get covid was….
Impatient zero.
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride…
The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers. Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons." JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger, "Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?" "Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob. "Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep" JimBob considers for a moment, then says "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass – The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea." "Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
What two things can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner (not an original, but I thought it was funny :p)
I don’t want to sound racist but…
Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me…